Perfume and Me: I'm sure that girl is always in here

I cannot walk through a department store without working my way round the entire perfumery first. In fact, that’s usually the sole purpose of my visit – that, and torturing myself by pawing the Mulberry bags I want but can’t afford.

I can walk into my local House of Fraser and know exactly where to find my favourites; Creed, back left, Aqua Di Parma, also back left, Tom Ford, again back left, Bulgari, back right. However, you only have to look in the direction of the Creed counter and five heavily made-up assistants are all over you, protecting their most expensive brand.

Looking back, at the peak of my tester-spraying addiction, there was a time I thought I might very well get barred from entering Debenhams. It wasn’t my fault, I had to walk through to get to the gym. Well, I didn’t have to, but it was a short cut, in my defence, Your Honour. So in my tracksuit, hair scraped back, I’d stealthily flit between displays, picking up fragrances I knew would still be with me two sweaty hours later; Givenchy Play Pour Homme (much more on this one later); Chanel Allure Homme Sport; Emporio Armani He, (also much more on my male heavy choices to come), and I'd adopt a facial expression that I hoped made the loitering sales assistant assume I was merely a perfume novice, amazed by all the never-before-seen offerings in front me. I’d look at one of my old favourites like I’d never seen it before and engage my best acting skills (I worked on cop show The Bill, I know how it's done, OK?), “Oooh what’s this? I wonder if it is new? Mmm smells nice, think I’ll have a spray(s).” Fine, no problem.

Two hours later, post-gym sesh, I’d re enter Debenhams (because it was the quickest way back to my car…honestly!), tracksuit swapped for skinny jeans, tight t-shirt where my hoody had been, and my unwashed, scraped back hair, now washed, straightened and shiny. And so it began again, because surely they’d never recognise me from my previous spraying spree? And they probably wouldn't have had this ritual not taken place four times a week. It was only a matter of time before I was rumbled.